The Jay Graves Report

Von Miller falls for the banana in the tailpipe bein’ extorted for $2.5 million! “Bruh”

"Let this be a lesson to all you new fools out here!"

As a walked into the barber shop I saw these three cats arguin’ about boyz bein’ stupid. Scott Adams,  said, “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?” Benjamin Franklin stood up and shouted, “We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” Then John Wayne knocked all of the dominoes off of the table when he spit, “Life is tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

Well playas….it looks like life just got tougher for ole dull Von Miller! Accordin’ to TMZ, this dun has fallen for the banana in the tailpipe and is bein’ extorted for $2.5 million for a sex tape he made in Cancun in June of 2016. Accordin’ to court documents filed in Los Angeles he’s referred to as “Doe” but multiple sources confirm that Doe is Miller. He’s described as one of the most talented people at his craft in the  U.S. and the world. Bruh…I can’t make this stuff up! And that’s the edited version.

Now accordin’ to the documents ole boy met a woman named Elizabeth Ruiz, who lives in LA and had sex with her indoors. Ole girl recorded it all on her cell phone with this dun’s knowledge as he told her to keep it to herself. Well, in his words “keep it private.” He then reaches out to her, later on, to destroy the tape and she replies “Gotcha.”

Now let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1st! Von Miller’s gotta be outta his rabbit mind!!! She saw that fool gettin’ out of the car down the street in a oversized puffy goose down Pelle Pelle coat with dollar signs and rhinestones all over it. C’mon bruh! You can’t be that stupid? I keep askin’ the same questions to these fools out here. Why do you need a tape of the episode if you were there? If you need a refresher or to remember how it was just hook up with her again.

She knew who he was and he DARN sure knew who he was. So why are we even havin’ this ignorant discussion? Von, you didn’t think for one minute that ole girl was settin’ you up when she pulled out the cell phone? You didn’t think for one minute that she was goin’ to holler at you or somebody to try to sell that joint? That never crossed your mind bruh?

Accordin’ to the court documents she tried to sell the joint to TMZ but they shot her down. Then she doubled back to Miller and told a boy that if he didn’t pay her $2.5 million that she’d put it out. So here we are playboy. The Superbowl MVP standin’ over here in the corner with the stank eye because he wasn’t thinkin’ when he met some random chick and let her record the episode. Bruh, even if it’s your wife why do you need to record the joint? Boy I’ll tell you these young boyz continue to blow my freakin’ mind!

The Super Bowl MVP that just blew up commercially! This dun’s got all kind of endorsements, which he should and now all of that is about to go up in smoke. What boyz don’t realize is that NFL contracts aren’t guaranteed. The only bread that is, is their signin’ bonus. So whatever side money they can make is always welcomed. So knowin’ that why would a boy put himself in this predicament. So dull and all I can do is shake my darn head and that’s the edited version. Stop me when I start lyin’!

Playas Thesaurus: 

1) Spit: verb – to say

2)Dull: adjective – to describe something as bein’ terrible, something that makes you sick with disgust because it’s so stupid to even think of.

3) Dun: noun – the person in question, dude, guy, etc. It’s whoever I’m talkin’ about and its non-gender specific.

The caption under the photo isn’t real but its REAL talk!