AT THE CRIB — Y’all know how I get down. I keeps it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1st! So since it’s Super Bowl week I’ve got to give you some old school Uncle Leroy advice to keep these young cats from makin’ a fool of themselves down in LA this week.
Everybody and their baby’s momma has dreams of flossin’ in the City of Dreams poppin’ bottles and makin’ it rain this week. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl! Chicks and dudes alike are hittin’ the malls today to get the latest wears. The beauty, barber and nail shops will be at full tilt today as cats prepare to roll out. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl! Rim shops all over the West Coast will do 300 to 400% more business between today and tomorrow and people that live further away will fly in. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Now before all of you cats run out to LA lookin’ to turn up for what people think is goin’ to be a free-for-all, let me break down the ground rules, if you will, for gettin’ it in at a major event. Why? Cuz I’m Ya Boy and it’s the Super Bowl!
Let me put it where the goats can get it. Not everybody will be able to show up and participate in the festivities. Beautiful women, notice that I said the word most “BEAUTIFUL,” will be carte blanche all week at every event. I say most because it’s only so many people that can get into a spot. They’ve got fire codes etc.
If you’re fine enough you won’t even need very much bread because rich cats like hanging out with fine women. #FACTS! Now ladies it’s up to you to determine whether you’re fine enough to make the trip before you head out there. I won’t take responsibility for making that decision for you because you’ll swear that I’m hatin’. That’s why you gotta have, like my man Kevin Hart always says, a “no” man/homegirl in your camp. I’ll explain that in a minute. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
For the fellas on the other hand, it’s plain and simple. Let me give it to you straight with no chaser so that you understand what you’re buyin’ before you show up and get your feelings hurt. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
I would say that 99.9999% of these young thunder cats don’t understand the proper etiquette for attending a major event: Super Bowl, NBA All-Star Game or major Las Vegas fight (Mayweather,Tyson back in the day etc). Take notes bruh if you’re plannin’ to run out there this week or for that matter the NBA All-Star Game in a couple of weeks in Cleveland.
Rule #1 and the only rule for that matters. If you’re not ballin’ out of control, that means if you don’t have pro-athlete, entertainer or major executive-type bread you need to stay at home, the crib, the flat or the double wide homeboy. Like my man Jay-Z said in “Imaginary Players” on his second album “In My Lifetime Vol.1”: “You beer money, I’m all year money, I’m poppin’, you ain’t got to count it, it’s all there money! I never change money ’cause brothers got strange money!” He goes on to say, “I got bail money, XXL money, You got flash now, but time will reveal money!”
Please don’t go to LA and be the dun he’s talkin’ about. That also includes the fake wanna-be street level drug dealers too. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl! Unless you’re a Don or Kingpin you need to stay at the crib too. I’m not talkin’ about the neighborhood kingpin either bruh. Okay, if you don’t own your own plane type of kingpin then you need to skip this event. I can’t be any clearer than that.
Events like these aren’t for cats on the come up. They’re exclusively for boyz that have big money (multi-millionaires) and gorgeous women and here’s why. Many of the ladies (groupies) that show up to these events are tryin’ to get chosen. Sure, I realize that there are boss chicks that are ballin’ out too. However, most of the women showing up are trying to get chosen by the cat with the most money. That’s just what happens at these types of events.
Most of the women showing up don’t have a dime but they don’t need money, they just have to be fine. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl! Look I didn’t make the rules I’m just breaking them down for you.
OK let’s say that you and the fellas do get into one of these parties and you’re at the bar hollerin’ at some bad-bads. Then all of a sudden Brad Pitt, Will Smith, Jay-Z and Diddy (half a billionaire to billionaire-type cats) roll into the spot. God forbid Kanye and his crew walk in (billionaire money). Then some 2nd tier type cats like Drake and Lil’ Wayne ($100 million-type cats) walk in with the Migos, Guccie Mane, Lil’ Yachty a group of NFL players that didn’t make it to the Super Bowl (multi-million dollar cats). You’ve suddenly been reduced to Charlie Brown’s teacher bruh. “Wa Wa, Wa Wa Wa, Wa!” She can’t hear a word you’re sayin’ and you’ve already spent $300 of your hard earned money just getting her to sit down with yo dumb butt! And that’s the edited version. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Remember like the homie Meek Mill said, “It’s different levels” to this!” Think about how many levels there are between a cat with $500 million all the way down to a boy that makes $75K! These cats are about to spend $75K at the bar in one night fam. And you think you’ve got a shot this week? Not a chance. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Let me put this on ya head playa, young ball players and entertainers are no different than you are. They have a fetish for beautiful women too. So the ladies can show up broke if they’re “FINE.” If they’re not, they’ll be standing outside cursin’ in their ghetto fabulous vernacular, “I done bought all these clothes and I can’t get in this %#*!!?” Hey, I didn’t make the rules playa; I’m just givin’ you the information before you go out there and make a fool out of yourself. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
It’s gonna be celebrities all over town with more bread than you can count and they’re gonna be spending it as fast as the speed of sound. In every club and restaurant the bread will be loose and so will the women if you got the right type of paper. Now how silly will you look when the cover for the party is starting at $500.00 and you’ve budgeted $1,000.00 for the entire weekend. This isn’t a trip for people on budgets bruh. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Groupies will be expecting for some millionaire-type cat to pay for them and their girls to get into the club ($500.00 each to get in, not to mention food and drinks all night) and you think you’ve got a shot? Not a chance playa. You and your boyz will be standing out front kickin’ rocks trying to holler at women, that on a normal night in February you could impress, but not this week playa. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
You can’t compete in a room full of multi-millionaires (pro athletes and entertainers). Yes, you’ve got a job, albeit a good job, because you were able to get the week off and buy a plane ticket to Los Angeles and lounge in a five star hotel right? You’ve got a 401K, a savings account and you even drive a brand new Infinity. Heck, you got a promotion last week that put you over the $150K mark. Around your way you’re the big boss but not in LA SUPER BOWL WEEK! You better reschedule your trip for sometime in mid April bruh. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Now you can run out there if you want to! You’re gonna get embarrassed pullin’ up in that brand new Chrysler 300 rimmed out. Your boyz got you gassed up telling you that it looks like a Phantom ’til a Phantom pulls up. You can’t even fake it in that new E 550 you just bought as a result of your promotion because these cats ain’t playin’ out here! They’re pullin’ up in Phantoms and Bugatti’s this week playa.Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Hey, you better be careful because you might even see your OWN girlfriend out there under somebody else’s arm. “You better cuff that if you wanna keep that playa!” You don’t have to worry R Kelly swoopin’ because he’s locked up but somebody else will. So if I were you, I’d stay clear of the 213 and 323 area codes until after the Super Bowl. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
I’m not telling you what I heard playa! I’m telling you what I know! I drove over 600 miles to Atlanta for the Super Bowl back in 2000 just to get it in when I was a young single man. I thought that I was ballin’ at the time. I had job as a district sales manager responsible for the entire state of Indiana, a funky new Acura with all the toys in it. I even had a phone hooked up to my stereo system and steering wheel more that 22 years ago playa. Now that’s a standard feature with bluetooth now but back then you had to pay tall bread to get that feature. As a young cat I thought I was ready to clown these boyz in the “A!” I got down there and got my feelings hurt day one.
I had about $1,000 cash in my pocket and two empty credit cards ready for these boyz. I thought that I was about to ball out because in the world I lived in it cost $40 maybe $50 to get into a big weekend party. I don’t drink so that was an expense that never existed. However, nobody told me the rules before I left home. I got to Atlanta the Sunday before the Super Bowl and I was broke by Tuesday mid-day and spent the rest of the week standing outside with my face pressed against the glass looking through the window listening to the chicks that didn’t have a “no” man/homegirl cursin’ everybody out cuz they couldn’t get in either.
Fellas if you’re not a millionaire cat you need to stay at the crib. And ladies if you aren’t a cosmetic 10, in other words, if you ain’t fine as frog hair and everybody agrees that you are, you need to stay at the crib too. Why? Cuz it’s the Super Bowl!
Where will I be this week? At the crib minding my own business! “Why Cuz It’s The Super Bowl!”
Playas Thesaurus:
1) Put it where the goats can get it: verb phrase – to make it as elementary as possible. To put it at ground level so everyone can understand it.
2) Dun: noun – the person in question, dude, guy, etc. It’s whoever I’m talkin’ about and its non-gender specific.
3) Playa: noun – the person that I’m passionately tryin’ to get my point across to.
4) Crib: noun – one’s place of residence