The Jay Graves Report

Colts fall for the Oakey Doke signin’ Antonio Cromartie! “Gimped”

Johan Huizinga, Dutch historian, once said, “Every age yearns for a more beautiful world. The deeper the desperation and the depression about the confusing present, the more intense that yearning.” Douglas Coupland, the Canadian novelist, gave it to us like this, “Lottery tickets are a surtax on desperation.” Then Jim Carrey broke it down like a playa at a pimp convention when it spit, “I don’t think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain’t desperate at some point, you ain’t interesting.” 

Well playas…the Indianapolis Colts just got EXTREMELY interestin’! Morbidly interestin’ bruh! On Monday the team signed veteran cornerback Antonio Cromartie to a one year deal worth $3 million! Why? Because they’ve been decimated with injuries in the defensive secondary. Vontae Davis is out and will miss 2 to 3 games due to a medial sprain. Patrick Robinson hurt his groin in last Saturday’s preseason joint. Darius Butler is out with a hamstring and the third round pick, D’Joun Smith, is still snake bitten with a knee injury and boyz are takin’ him slow. 

So out of ALL the duns swimmin’ in the free agency pool the Colts pulled Cromartie out of the water!!! Now accordin’ to Pro Football focus he was one of the worst corners in the league last year. 

Let’s keep it real or all the way 100, whichever comes 1st! Not only does this cat have lingerin’ hip problems that everybody seems to be aware of but the Colts as to the reason why NOBODY in the NFL was touchin’ him with a 10 foot pole with latex gloves on. But he’s not sittin’ next to the smartest cat in the class either. As a matter of fact, he’s not even allowed to let the dumbest kid in the class cheat off of his paper 

Just in case you boyz forgot. Cromartie is the same cat that they had on ESPN’s First Take last year  askin’ him as to whether Tom Brady should be suspended or not. This is what he said out of his OWN mouth usin’ his OWN breath: 

“Honestly, I don’t think he should be suspended. The Patriots got fined. They got took away draft picks.” 

Hold it!!!! Did that dun say “They got took away?” on NATIONAL TELEVISION? When he said that Big Momma threw up all over the carpet and dropped her blunt bruh. Whoever the producer of that show was needed to be fired but before they run him or her out of the buildin’. Beat the brakes off of them with a toothbrush and a shoe. I’m talkin’ about the shoe of a woman that used to be a man bruh. I’m talkin’ about a size 17 pump!  

Those are the types of interviews boyz in Naptown are goin’ to get front row seats to now. I can’t wait for the foolishness to begin.  

Keep in mind that this is the same cat that borrowed 500 stacks from the Jets in 2011 as soon as he signed with them durin’ the NFL Lock Out because he was behind on child support? Can you imagine makin’ an offer to a boy to come work for you and when he accepts, he pulls you to the side and asks for an advance on his bread so that he can pay his child support? 

Sound effect: “SpongeBob eye blink.” 

What are you gonna do with that fool at that moment? Walk his butt right out of the door right? Wrong! Keep him because he’s one of the best in the world at what he does. Well…at the time he was.  

Ole boy’z got 12 kids by 9 different women? He’s got 4 with his wife and 8 more by 7 different female human beings! I know y’all didn’t forget about the time he was on an episode of Hard Knocks back in 2010 when they asked him to name all of his kids and he couldn’t name them all. At that time he only had 10. Trip? No trip! Why? Because he could still play!! 

However, he was one of the worse corners in the league last year bruh and he’s still got 12 kids and 8 baby momma’s! So why on earth did the Colts pull him out of the free agent pool? Did they not learn anything from signin’ old dried up Andre Johnson last year? The name sounds sexy but that dun is washed up and he still has 12 kids by 8 different women! And he pays $366K in child support. That doesn’t sound like a boy you want on your defense because he has proven that he can’t play any defense bruh. 

Any man that gets 8 different women pregnant isn’t playin’ a lick of defense. At some point he’s gotta leave his joint in the car altogether.  And get this pimpin’, he said that the last two kids were born after he had a vasectomy. Either he’s lyin’ or he’s playin’ absolutely no defense!!!! Why do I keep bringin’ up the 12 kids and 8 women? It’s because he doesn’t make good decisions and he’s old and gimped up. I wouldn’t trust that dun as far as I could spit even if my secondary was snake bitten. There’s gotta be somebody else out there breathin’ that’s better than him right now. Stop me when I start lyin’! 

Playas Thesaurus: 

1) Spit: verb – to say 

2) Dun: noun – the person in question, dude, guy, etc. It’s whoever I’m talkin’ about and its non-gender specific. 

3) Put it where the goats can get it: verb phrase – to make it as elementary as possible. To put it at ground level so everyone can understand it.